When you look back on your romantic relationships, do you see any patterns? Does it feel like you end up in similar situations but with different people? Perhaps you’ve been accused of being too clingy, needy, or jealous, and you always seem to feel more emotionally invested in the relationship than your partner. Or maybe it’s the opposite.
You secretly crave the intimacy of a relationship but can’t seem to let anyone get too close. This isn’t a coincidence. Based on the British psychiatrist and psychoanalyst John Bowlby’s work on attachment theory, there are four attachment styles that develop in early childhood and remain stable over time.
Thus, the way you connect with your partner in adult relationships reflects how you perceived your parents or primary caregiver as a child. Let’s take a look at each type so you can find out which one you identify with the most.
- Anxious Attachment Style
The anxious attachment style usually develops from a childhood in which caregivers have inconsistent parenting patterns or are over-protective. These children are generally a product of parents who also have anxious attachment style, not because of genetics, but rather, learned behavioural patterns. These insecurities later reveal themselves in adult relationships.
Due to their fear of abandonment, individuals with this attachment type constantly seek safety in their partner’s attention, care, and responsiveness. They generally hold others in high regard but have a negative self-image.
In romantic relationships, they consider their partner to be the better half, and the thought of living without them causes a high level of anxiety. It’s often difficult for them to be alone because they value relationships so highly.
Additionally, they often worry that their partner isn’t as invested in the relationship as they are. In the absence of their partner’s validation, they become even more clingy and demanding since they are preoccupied with the relationship and desperate for love.
- Avoidant Attachment Style
In the same way that anxiously attached individuals received inconsistent parenting, those with an avoidant attachment style are typically the result of emotionally unavailable parents. They were often discouraged from openly displaying their feelings, whether good or bad.
This results in adults who avoid deep connections with others and suppress their feelings in emotionally charged situations. They consider themselves to be lone wolves, seemingly strong, independent, and self-sufficient since, as a child, they couldn’t count on their caregivers for comfort.
Those with avoidant attachment style don’t subscribe to the idea that you need a relationship to feel complete, and they don’t seek support or approval from those around them. They don’t want to depend on others or have others depend on them. These folks aren’t necessarily reclusive, though.
They can find fulfilment in shallow relationships because they tend to have low regard and low expectations of others. And while satisfactory for them, these connections can be difficult for others who want to get to know them better since people with this attachment type rarely allow anyone beyond the surface.
- Anxious-Avoidant Attachment Style
Often because of childhood abuse or trauma, those with anxious-avoidant attachment style are unstable in their relationships. Instead of feeling a sense of security and safety from their caregivers during their formative years, they experienced fear. As a result, they have a negative view of both themselves and others.
Like those with avoidant attachment style, they fear letting anyone get too close. But differ in the sense that they crave intimacy; they’re just too afraid to let people in. So their partner, much like their childhood caregiver, becomes a source of both desire and fear. And that’s because they have trouble trusting others.
Anxious-avoidant individuals have difficulty regulating their emotions and avoid deep emotional attachment because they are scared of getting hurt. Just like the other attachment styles, their adult relationships mirror their childhood bonds, or in this case, lack thereof, and they tend to end up alone or in abusive and dysfunctional relationships.
- Secure Attachment Style
While the first three attachment styles experienced unhealthy relationships with caregivers as children, those with secure attachment style had a lot more security and stability in their childhood. This enables these individuals to form healthy relationships as adults because they have a positive view of themselves and others.
They are comfortable openly expressing their emotions, depending on their partner, and having their partner rely on them. Their relationships are based on honesty, acceptance, and intimacy. Securely attached people thrive in relationships, but they are just as content on their own since they don’t seek the validation of others.
After having learned about the four attachment styles, you likely identify with at least one. You may even connect with several. Looking back, you may see patterns, but attachment styles aren’t static or absolute and can change over time and even from one relationship to another.
For example, while anxious and avoidant individuals are often drawn to each other, this pair is prone to experiencing turmoil on both ends.
On the other hand, securely attached individuals are more likely to bring balance to a relationship with any of the attachment styles. How you connect with others can change as the result of significant life events or deliberate self-improvement. Through introspection, you can get to the root of unhealthy behaviours and determine what you can do to have happier, more fulfilling relationships.
So, where do you stand? Which attachment style do you identify with the most? And how has it affected your relationships? Let us know in the comments below.
credit: brainy dose
